Humorous Guide to Staying at Someone's House

I recently stayed with some friends, and we had a blast.  But as you know, staying at someone else’s house can be an awkwardness minefield.  To help others navigate this perilous situation, I offer this Guide for Staying At Someone’s House.

Appropriate Greeting – Perhaps the most uncomfortable situation one can encounter is showing up at someone’s house and not knowing what the appropriate greeting method is.  Do you go in for the hug or just a firm handshake?  Maybe a high-five or a fist pound?  There are just too many options, and one wrong move leads to an extremely awkward moment. Don’t you hate that moment when you are going for the handshake, but the other person is going for the hug?  That’s hard to recover from.  TIP: go for the hug, and as you do say something corny like, “Come on in here, Daddy needs a hug!”

TV Remote – Lizzy from www.iheartflowers.com confirms my theory that most people are born with a psychological need to operate the remote.  And although there are few things more torturous (including Chinese water torture) than sitting through a TV show that you hate, you must resist the urge to overtake the remote.  You will only feed your insatiable hunger for power and become a shallow remnant of your former self.  Remember Gollum from Lord of the Rings?  It’s really hard for him to find a girlfriend or a job now.  Don’t underestimate this evil force; we can’t let this happen to us.  TIP: Never, under any circumstances, look at or touch the remote.  It’s power will draw you in, and then life as you know it will be over.

The “Crazy” Spouse – We all have that friend whose spouse is just a little… “different.”  Maybe he has no sense of humor, or maybe she is just mean.  Whatever the situation, navigating interactions with the crazy spouse can be tricky.  TIP: the absolute best way to have conversations with the crazy spouse is to let her talk about herself.  Follow my lead here:

Me: “I really like your house.”
Crazy Spouse: “It would be better if my lazy husband would get off his fat butt and clean the garage!”
Me: (In a failed attempt to insert some humor): “Yeah, it looks like a tornado hit that garage!”
CS: silently staring at me without even a hint of a smile.
Me: “So, that’s a nice shirt.  Where did you get it?”

Much more is needed in order to ensure that the home visit is a success.  Next week we tackle the sensitive issue of using the restroom, proper bedroom etiquette, handling political and religious conversations, as well as how to respond to questionable home decor choices.