Who Knew It Would Be This Hard

The hardest thing I will ever have to do will become a reality this Thursday.


When we started out on this "Grand Adventure" (as I have called it- at least on the blog), we knew that it would not be easy. In fact, I was supremely stressed over how it would go on arrival day (I wrote about that here). I stressed, I worried, I fretted over all of the unknowns of this hosting experience. And trust me, when you're bringing two orphans from a poor country who do not speak English into your home of four kids, there are plenty of unknowns.

In my mind my greatest dreams have came true. It has been a wonderfully amazing experience that I would never, ever take back. I have fallen madly in love with two little Latvians that started out not knowing any English, and ended up calling me Daddy, and telling me that they love me (in English to boot). I/We love these two kids no different than we do our own kids. Call me crazy (and clearly I am) but when I saw their pictures back in September something inside of me knew that these kids were for us. Fast forward a handful of months and nothing has changed, it has only gotten more clear to me. The love that I have received from these two Latvian angels is beyond anything I could have expected, as well as the love I have tried to pour into them.

The problem is that my greatest fears will soon come true. Thursday evening I will have to take what is in my mind, in my heart, my soul- my own two kids- and put them on an airplane to go around the world. A world so much different than here. A world where I have no control over. A world that I will have little to no contact with them. A world that could take them away from me forever, and make it where I never see them again. It is no exaggeration that this will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is as if I am placing two of my own biological kids on the airplane to Latvia. Many of you will think I am crazy for saying this, and will not be able to understand why I feel this way about two kids I have known for less than a month now. To that I pose the question- how long did it take for you to become fiercely protective of your own kid? How long did it take for you to love your own child? I would presume it was the moment you first saw him or her in the hospital. To me, it is not any different for these two kids, except they were not born into my family. I cannot explain it to you, because it does not even really make sense. But do me a favor and do not tell that to my heart- because to my heart- it makes perfect sense.

Because love is what matters.

And I love these kids.

And my heart is breaking over the thought of them leaving.

I never knew it would be this hard...

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Sharon Swanepoel January 10, 2012 at 05:33 PM
Kris, thanks for sharing your journey with us. Hopefully, in some way, we will be able to help in your quest.
David Binder January 10, 2012 at 10:08 PM
Kris my heart aches for you, Brandi, & all of your kids. Knowing this day was coming does not make it easier. Summer will be here before you know it. And think of the reunion you'll have & the party when the adoption goes thru. I'll be thinking of you & praying for you tomorrow. Stay strong.
Janet Cary Perry January 11, 2012 at 03:23 PM
I knew! After having had an exchange student in our home for a full year, it was heart-rending. However, that was in 1987, and we are still in touch and have met his beautiful wife and two gorgeous daughters on their trips back to the USA! I will be thinking of you, too, and adding prayers for a speedy adoption process.
Sonya Roberts Weese January 11, 2012 at 05:31 PM
It was one of the hardest paths our family has walked. Now we have a new son and brother who has been home with us for a year.
MamaKat Orr January 12, 2012 at 10:45 AM
Saying extra prayers for y'all today....


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