The following words pertain only to those individuals who think human beings have a destiny much higher and distinct than that of animals. If you believe the words “humans” and “animals” are interchangeable, you should probably press the arrow that points to the left at the left-top part of your screen.
I think for a decent-sized portion of the American population the word “culture” has become synonymous with grey poupon, elevator music, Bentley, expensive paintings of chubby, naked women, and high-hanging chandeliers which hover over fancily dressed seventy-year olds whose idea of dancing is moving in a circular pattern very slowly. But I don’t think you need to have a butler or attend the opera to have culture. Having culture does not mean you can’t watch football or listen to Pantera. Here are a few simple things I believe are crucial to separating one from animals:
#1 If you eat with your mouth open, stop it. It’s disgusting. Nobody wants to see how efficient you are at grinding your food nor do we prefer the smacking sound that comes with it. Have you ever seen a cow eat grass? That’s what you look and sound like. Don’t do it anymore. You’re embarrassing your family.
#2 If your vocabulary is limited to a few words you usually cram into one and various degrees of grunts and squeals added for effect, I recommend you learn to read and enunciate. Books are very accesisble now. You can buy one for $1.50 at Goodwill ($2.50 for hardback). All you have to do is forego one Starbucks cappuccino one time and you have yourself two books. One of the beauties of humanity is the ability to pass on complex information and ideas. Our superior ability to communicate plays a vital role in said process. Your inability to be understood or to project your thoughts and emotions with the use of words is rather embarrassing to the rest of the human race. Speaking of emotions, let’s move on to #3:
#3 As beings with potential for reason and ability to make decisions based on analytical conclusions, I wonder about the jackrabbit-like actions of men who can’t keep it in their pants or women who can’t keep their legs crossed. If you have four kids with five different fathers, don’t you think it’s time to change something? If you have to work overtime to pay child support, it’s time to asses and adjust. Responsible people are sick of paying for your welfare. We’re sick of kicking your kids out of our classrooms because the poor kids never got the attention and nourishment they needed. Do us a favor and stop breeding. Make new friends. Stop going to the same dives with the same kind of people.
Change something. There’s nowhere to go but up.
On top of that, you need to stop throwing your tantrums or punching someone in the face every time your team losses, your wife burns the potatoes, or your husband failed to read your mind when he gave you the “wrong” present. Grow up. Get over yourself and act like a human being. You’re not a Rottweiler who snaps every time someone touches your food. Control your emotions.
#4 The wolf spider and the hyena are just a few examples of creatures who eat their own young. When we have children and don’t take care of them and do everything in our power to ensure as best a shot at a successful life, we are barely more than animals who eat our young. If you’ve been accused of being selfish and a terrible human being more than once, please, please do not breed. It is not fair to them nor us.
#5 Unless you’re Za Za Gabor’s poodle, wearing clothes is something only we humans do. Ladies, when your boobs are hanging out and we can tell the exact shape of your butt thanks to your skin-tight pants and/or leggings, you leave nothing to the imagination. You are telling us that you believe your body is the only chance you have of enticing us (all the more reason to learn to read).
Men, it is ridiculously lame to post pictures and/or walk around with your shirt off at every almost-opportunity. Again, your lameness signifies that you have put all your marbles in your abs and have left no time to develop thoughts and comprehension skills. You consider yourself nothing more than a capable breeding machine.
There are multiple aspects of culture. Of course, what I touched on is mostly about manners and common behavior. Culture is innate with humanity’s inclination to stand out, to become more efficient, and to control one’s destiny. It is a beautiful thing. What I am proposing are not extreme measures. Again, I am not suggesting you buy a tuxedo and sip champane while listening to Bocelli. The mentioned measures make the experience of life a little sweeter and better. I realize there are, of course, exceptions. For example, I realize women athletes wear skin-tight pants or bikinis because it enables movement and enhances comfort. I realize not all single-parent children with multiple half-siblings are disruptive prisoners-in-training. Just most of them.